“Love is not self-seeking.”

(1 Corinthians 13:5)

Maybe one of the most difficult aspects of marriage is that it confronts our selfishness on a daily basis.  We may not like to admit it, but at our very core we are selfish creatures.  Our natural tendency in almost every decision we make is to think about ourselves and what is in our best interests.  Our culture of consumption encourages us to always ask, “What’s in it for me?” and “What will I get out of this?”  But if you’ve been married for any length of time you know that the “me first” attitude doesn’t work well in marriage.

The truth is that most of us enter into marriage with an immature concept of love that is still somewhat selfish.  We fall in love with someone because they are “loveable”.  When asked why they love the person they are marrying, the majority of people will explain it in terms of some benefit the other person brings them.  “She is fun to be with and brightens my day,” “He makes me feel special and listens to me.”  It’s not that there is anything wrong with this type of love, but it doesn’t go far enough because it is still about what we get out of it.

The shallowness of this type of love is often challenged in the course of a marriage because the give and take of a relationship is rarely an equal split.  Many young couples first discover this as they try to figure out the division of labour in the home or family finances.  If our love never matures beyond “what’s in it for me”, resentment creeps in if we feel like we are contributing more than our fair share.  We end up with an “I’ll do this for you, if you’ll do this for me” relationship which is the essence of a love that is self-seeking.  The approach slowly erodes all aspects of the marriage.

Take sexual intimacy as one example.  The sexual union between husband and wife can be one of the highest expressions of intimacy, but it can also be denigrated when approached selfishly.  Sex should ultimately be seen as more about giving than it is about getting.  Imagine if both husband and wife approached it with that attitude.  In a strange twist, both partners will find their level of satisfaction in their physical relationship greatly enhanced when approached like this.  Imagine if we approached all aspects of marriage with the mindset of giving and not getting.

Selfless love is doing what you don’t have to do, and doing what you weren’t asked to do simply out of love for your spouse.  Jesus, Himself, provides the supreme example of what a love that is not self-seeking should look like.  The New Testament compares Christ to the bridegroom and the church to the bride – Jesus laid down His life for His bride.  Marriage calls us to do the same.

Pastor Lee Francois