Parenting with Gentleness

“O my son, O son of my womb,

O son of my vows.”

 (Proverbs 31:2)

A recent survey asked children what one thing they wished their parents did differently.  The number one response by a country mile was: “I wish they yelled at me less.”  We might be tempted to dismiss the survey’s results on the grounds that most kids think their parents are too hard on them, but since hearing those results I’ve been listening to interactions between parents and their children.

I was in a medical clinic recently where a three-year-old was attempting to drink from a water fountain, but ended up getting more water on her clothes than in her mouth.  The mother was furious and gave her daughter a stern (and loud) lecture about how she couldn’t take her anywhere.  On my way into a restaurant one evening I stepped aside as a family walked out with the mother lecturing her teenage daughter in a shrill tone about how disrespectful she had become.  Contrast these examples with the tender tone of Lemuel’s mother in Proverbs 31.

I’ve been listening to myself more carefully as well and I know that I’ve got some work to do in the gentleness category.  As parents we need to regularly evaluate not just what we are communicating to our kids but how we are communicating with them.  This is what James Dobson refers to as “shaping the will without breaking the spirit,” and as parents it is essential that we are gentle with our children’s spirits.

It’s important to note that all this talk about gentleness is not just for moms – Dads need to be gentle as well.  It is interesting that while the Apostle Paul only directly addresses fathers twice in his letters, both times he reminds them of their need to be gentle.  “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).  And again, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” (Ephesians 6:4).

Parenting with gentleness doesn’t mean that we ignore discipline and don’t challenge our kids but that we always act with tenderness towards them.  I don’t want to raise wimpy kids so there are times when my kids (the boys especially) need me to say, “Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game.”  But there are other times when my kids just need me to be gentle and remember that they are just kids after all.

The reality is that most of us will fail to be gentle on many occasions.  Kids have an innate ability to push our buttons, and sometimes we react out of frustration and anger instead of gentleness.  When that happens we need to go back to our kids, apologize and make it right.  As this becomes our pattern, we may just find that we are creating a culture of gentleness and tenderness in the home that our children develop as well.

Pastor Lee Francois