The Unpleasant Part of Parenting

“His father had never at any time displeased him by asking,
“Why have you done thus so and so.”

 (1 Kings 1:6)

The father in these words is King David and the son is Adonijah.  If you are familiar with the story of Adonijah, then you know that David’s passivity as a father when it came to correcting his son eventually had disastrous consequences.  David was a model of many things, but a model parent he was not.

Like many kids today, Adonijah lived a privileged existence.  He was pampered, coddled, indulged, and seemingly never corrected or disciplined.  David’s aim as a parent sounds very similar to the contemporary approach of befriending your children.  The job of a parent, however, is not to please our children or get them to like us but to parent them, and part of that task involves correction.

If past generations of parents were seen as too strict, then ours must surely be seen as too soft.  The pendulum has swung too far in the direction of avoiding saying anything that might damage a child’s self-esteem.  When I was a kid I desperately wanted to win a trophy in one of the sports I participated in – it didn’t happen until I was 11.  Times have changed.  The soccer association I coach for instructs coaches not to keep score for the first couple years, and at the end of the season every player is given a trophy regardless of how their team did.  The rationale is that this way everyone feels like a winner.

The reasoning of this always positive approach is well-meaning, but the results are usually disappointing.  The same thing holds true in parenting.  Parents who only offer praise to their children are neglecting to give their children a vital ingredient they need to grow.  The child who never learns about their short-comings is likely never to overcome them.  The child who never learns that there are consequences for laziness will undoubtedly discover that truth for themselves when they enter the real world.  If it’s done with tenderness and grace, the home is a much better place to learn these important lessons.

This is not to suggest that we need to point out every mistake our children make – our kids should never feel like they just can’t measure up.  But, still, there is a great need for us to come alongside our children and let them know when we see unhealthy patterns developing in their lives.

These correctional conversations do not need to be unpleasant.  There are many constructive ways to correct an erring child.  My five-year-old daughter and I have developed a special bond through reading a book entitled, “I’d Be Your Princess.”  This short book highlights the inner character qualities of all true princesses.  The lessons learned from the book have been helpful to discuss during times when my daughter has forgotten to display the inner qualities of a princess.  It would be easy to overlook or ignore these issues, but if they are not corrected now they will become much bigger issues in the future and I love my kids too much to let that happen.

Pastor Lee Francois